4 - Signaling: Attempt communication with someone who can provide you with needed assistance and/or rescue. Remember the rule of three: three signal fires, or three flags, or three lines in the sand will be recognized as emergency signals by searchers.

5 - Fresh water: Water is vital for survival, but it is not the top priority. You can survive about three days without a supply of water. Never drink sea water. Learn how to make a solar still.

6 - Food: food is the lowest priority, you stupid, stupid people. A typical adult can survive thirty days or more without food, as the body can use resources from its own tissues. Fat people can survive even longer, assuming they don't have some debilitating illness caused by being so fat to begin with. Jesus, you fat people make me nuts. If it isn't diabetes it's something else. Now crying babies and sick old people I feel sorry for, because it's not like being an infant or being really old is a lifestyle choice. And for old people, some big disaster is probably great, because it means maybe you won't wither away alone in a hospital bed after all. Even better, if you've got a bunch of greedy offspring just waiting to divvy up your estate just so they can pay off their credit card bills and put a roof on the porch, there's nothing like a natural disaster to wipe away all that useless equity you can't use anyway because you live in a nursing home. And better for it to be destroyed than to have it liquidated by greedy offspring who don't know how to live on a budget, or having some scam artist trick you out of your money. This happens a lot to old people, they get a phone call from some organization, only it isn't really that organization at all, just a con man with a phone book and a lot of free time. Well, mother nature is the biggest scam artist there is, but destroying your house is just the tip of the iceberg. Mother nature's biggest scam is that she provides plenty of free food and tons and tons of other resources that are yours for the taking, only all that food and all those resources aren't where you need them to be. Oh, ha ha, that's a good one, you old bitch.

7 - Blogging: Make sure you document your disaster experiences. If you use a digital camera, make sure you have plenty of flash cards and batteries. A paper journal can be used as a last resort, if you know how to operate a writing instrument.

8 - Must See TV: Fortunately a large number of your favorite television shows have now been released on DVD, and current episodes are usually available with a year. As civilization crumbles around you, your friends and loved ones will appreciate the energy and effort you have expended in search of continuity errors between seasons three and four of ER.